How
to Talk So You’ll Be Heard
Guidelines
for Giving Constructive Feedback
Come
to the interaction in a state of calm, having prepared yourself
to be kind, clear, fair and honest. Share whatever you understand
about your responsibility for how the two of you got out-of-whack
with each other. Describe in a specific way which of your behaviors
contributed to the distress between the two of you. (“I know
when my voice gets louder it’s hard for you to not feel afraid”)
If you can, give them a genuine compliment.
Appreciate them for some aspect of the interaction (“Thanks
for being willing to wait through my time out. I really needed that”)
Assure them that your relationship with them is important to you
and that is why resolving distress between you is, too.
Try to frame your discussion with the following guidelines:
Be behaviorally specific.
ex.: “When you said____ or did _______”,
Then claim or own your feelings. No one “makes”
us feel anything. ex.: “I felt _________.”
(One word is best, like sad, mad, glad, abandoned, lonely)
Share your perception of the incident. Keep
it simple.
ex.: “Because that says to me you mean ____________.”
Check out the accuracy of your perception. Avoid
assumptions. Ask for feedback about a specific thing.
ex.: “Is _______ what you meant me to understand?”
“Was ________ what you intended to happen?”
Try not to interrupt the other person’s response.
Try not to get defensive and start mentally preparing your case
instead of listening carefully to what they’re saying.
Do not jump into another criticism; try to stick with one issue
at a time.
Resist blame. It’s irrelevant and ineffective; blame
only calls up defensiveness.
Try to listen at least twice as long as you speak- that’s
why we have two ears and one mouth.
Try to feed back to them, in different words, what you heard them
say and ask if it’s correct.
Listen for their feelings and validate their experience. Ex.: “You
felt like I didn’t care what mattered to you in that moment.”
Remember that resolution has more to do with validating each other’s
feelings than agreeing on the facts or the solution. Often
it works to agree to disagree respectfully.
Let them know how they could say or do it differently next time,
that would
be helpful to you.
Always touch, hug, or show affection in some way that is authentic
before ending the day. |
