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Conflict
Resolution: Kind, Clear, Fair, & HonestBeing in conflict with another person usually mean feelings are aroused. Feelings are powerful. They can seem to take over our thoughts and we react “without thinking”. Feelings can be confusing, can seem to not make sense. You can have two different feelings telling you exactly opposite things, things that seem equally true, at the same time. Feelings are true. They may not represent facts. Feelings just are. And, feelings change. Accepting your feelings is key to choosing behaviors that are healthy and effective in your relationships. It is possible to think and feel at the same time. Your goal is to allow and accept your feelings, and to think your way through to decide how you want to act. For instance, I can feel stupid in a tough situation; I am not stupid in fact, although I can really feel that way. And, I do not want to act stupidly. So I pay attention, I accept my feeling. It makes me alert to the need to think about my behavior, take steps to become calm, before I choose an action. The way to resolve conflict is to be kind, clear, fair and honest. Being clear, and honest doesn’t mean you will be making the other person happy- sometimes information that is clear and honest is not the news they want to hear. But offering the information in a fair and kind way will allow them to hear it. Being unkind, and unfair will make another person focus on defending themselves rather than really working on the conflict with you. Here are some basic steps to help you think and feel at the same time and to behave in ways that lead to healthy resolution of conflict between people. Step #1. Develop a sanctuary. Sanctuary is a safe place. A safe place is where you feel protected from harm and optimally also from interruption. It’s best if you have both an indoor space and an outdoor place you can retreat to for calming yourself. Step #2. Stop the pattern of reacting out of powerful, distressing feelings. Take 4-7 deep breaths as soon as you start to feel hurt, angry, guilty, defensive, etc. Make each breath slower and deeper. This way of breathing will actually change your internal state; it will reduce the output of ‘fight-or-flight” hormones. It will stop feelings of anxiety. You cannot be in a relaxed state and anxious at the same time. Step #3. Practice Time Out. Time out is a great concept. We have tended to think of it as a way to discipline little kids. Try thinking of it as a mini-vacation instead. Everyone needs time-out! Here is how to create time-out for yourself: 1. Remove yourself from the source of your distress. First make a date with the person- “I need 10 minutes”; “ I need the rest of the day; let’s check in with each other at 6 o’clock.” It is vital that you make a specific time to get back together and that you keep the promise. When you have stated your intention to return to the conflict, go to a place that feels like sanctuary. 2. Identify your feelings. Give them a name. “I feel angry”; I feel abandoned”; I feel so sad”, “I feel disrespected”. Do something that is physical, an action that releases the feeling away from you, and away from any other person or living thing. It is important for your well being, for your own sense of integrity, to release feelings in a way that does not harm yourself, other people, living beings or things that belong to or are used by others. For example, if you are feeling anger, you can fast walk, run, throw rocks in the river, break sticks, beat the bed or wall with a pillow, write them a letter you do not send, scream into a towel or pillow or at an empty chair as though a person you have feelings about were sitting in it, etc. Indulge yourself in the feeling until you have released it or feel some relief. 3. Nurture yourself until you feel calm. Different things work for different people. Getting outside can help tremendously, even in ‘bad’ weather. A walk by a river or creek is great. So is a soak in your tub, listening to your favorite music, or taking a nap. Make sure you are not in a low blood sugar state- if it has been more than 4 hours since your last meal, have something to eat that is good for you. Sweets and alcohol will not help, but something substantial with good protein, something fresh and tasty, will make you feel better. 4. Take responsibility for your own stuff. When you feel calm, ask yourself, “What is my part in this? How did I help create the situation that upset me? What did I assume? What expectations did I have but not tell them? What part of my past causes me to react to this so intensely? Did I communicate clearly? 5. When you feel calm and clear about your own part, then go and approach the other person and tell them you are ready to talk about what upset you. Ask when would be a good time for them to discuss it with you. Practice your ability to be in a state of physical relaxation. It is ideal when we train ourselves to be relaxed most of the time. When you are used to being relaxed, your body can serve as a barometer, giving you early warning signs that alert you when a situation is beginning upset you. EARLY is the most effective time to take action to resolve a feeling of emotional distress. Do not wait, or tell yourself it’s not important. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that being truthful about your feelings will only hurt the other person and therefore the situation should be avoided. When you are calm enough to be fair, honest, clear, and kind, you are ready to offer your constructive feedback. Keep your date with the person you are working with, and use the tips in How to Talk So You’ll Be Heard for constructive feedback to move through the conflict. |
