Resolving to Be the Changer and the Changed… with compassionate self-acceptance

Change is dependable; it’s inevitable, it’s happening all the time, it’s happening right now. We mark the change to a new calendar year as an opportunity for fresh starts.  We make new (or the same old) promises to ourselves about “being better”.  A lot of us are pretty jaded with this annual ritual, having noticed how effective new year’s resolutions have not been in our lives thus far.  Various social science surveys tell us that despite our annual attraction to the idea of resolving to change ourselves, we only manage to satisfy our resolutions about 10% of the time. What is in the way the other 90%?

I think we experience fulfillment of our resolutions to the degree we incorporate loving self acceptance into the new practices we are choosing to embed in our lives. “Huh?” you might think, “How does accepting myself help me change myself? That seems contradictory”.  Keep in mind that change is a continuous process we are either swept along by, or choose to participate in with deliberation and consistency. When consistency is interrupted, as it inevitably will be, simply returning to the intention, the chosen behavior, gently, peacefully, without blame or judgment, over and over, as many times as it takes, is how we finally bring our promises to fulfillment.

Most resolutions center around some intention that seems like it ought to be do-able. “ I want to be a kinder person, to eat less, to exercise more, to quit altogether… (fill in the blank)”. We don’t resolve to become taller, or sprout wings; we don’t attach ourselves to a goal we perceive to be beyond our control to accomplish. But we are often very unrealistic about what motivates and supports us as we do what is after all, not easy, (or we’d already be doing it).

As you proceed with your resolution, and bump into an inevitable challenge, when you experience your next ‘failure’ and repeat an old, rather than the new, desired behavior, I encourage you to applaud yourself for your fresh awareness. Find yourself noticing that, dang it, you did it again. Pay attention to what else is going on in that moment. Are you tired? Hungry? Over-committed? Under-supplied? Notice what circumstance you are in that seems to support the old behavior- and lightheartedly forgive yourself for repeating it.

When you screw up and repeat an old behavior, cheerfully congratulate yourself on having noticed what got in your way, and step beyond it. Don’t try to make it go away- it’s already gone. It’s in the past, a done deal; no longer part of what’s changeable. What remains possible is what is still in front of you; your next choice. In the moment you notice you have an opportunity to practice a new behavior, and you missed it, you can be happy that you noticed!  Give the new behavior another whirl right there and then if you can.

If you are going to have to wait for the next right time and place to actually practice your resolution behavior, take a brief moment right then to see yourself in your mind’s eye, making good on your promise to yourself in your imagined future. Practicing a behavior in your imagination actually trains your brain very similarly to practicing the behavior in real time. End your resolution practice moment with a statement of support and good will toward yourself- “I am learning, it takes time”; “Mistakes happen; nobody’s perfect. I’ll get it next time”; “I can be anxious/afraid/depressed/angry, and still choose behaviors that I prefer”.

Nothing good ever comes from self-hatred or beating ourselves up. Realistic self-assessment is responsible and necessary; bashing and blaming and heaping scorn are destructive, counter-productive, and, as chosen behaviors, completely under your control to stop. Resolve to incorporate loving self-acceptance into your every effort at change, and you’ll much more likely find yourself an eager and effective Changer, changing with deliberate joy.